Reconciliation with my father

 

Almost everyone has wounds from their fathers. Perhaps I read this passage from a certain book when I was a college student. I was not an exception, for my father was strict and rigid. It seems that many fathers were like that. Why? One reason must be that our society has had a stern father-centered, male-centered and senior-centered culture influenced by Confucianism. Additionally, the military culture of command and obedience, derived from Japanese colonial rule, decades of military dictatorship, and a social governing system geared toward rapid industrialization, likely contributed to this culture.

As I grew older, I realized that this was true not only in Korea but also in the West. There are two grand streams of thought and culture in the West: Hebraism, based on the Old Testament, and Hellenism, derived from ancient Greek philosophies.

We can read about many gods in several literary works in Greece from eight century B.C. to the ninth century, as well as from the fourth century B.C. Such gods are astonishingly like human beings. They are jealous, envious, moody, fickle and sometimes they fight with, or even kill, other gods.

Stories of Greek myths can be understood and summarized as patricide. This symbolically means that each young generation makes its own time by negating and killing the father's generation. This implies that criticism, overcoming and sublation of the older generation are deeply rooted and entrenched in Western culture and thoughts. In a similar vein, as is well-known, Sigmund Freud explained the origin of religion as a device to solve the guilt stemming from such patricide in his book "Totem and Taboo."

This thought and culture of Western society is very patriarchal, and that is, father-centered. The outstanding French thinker Jacques Lacan, who tried to succeed Freud in the 20th century, explicated "Father's law." Explaining the mental development process of the human being, he argued that when an infant grows, learns language and enters society and culture, the infant enters a system centered on Father's law. This indicates that Western society is very much father-centered.

I have been feeling uncomfortable with my father for a long time. However, as my father gets older and weaker, I have to care for him and spend time with him more and more. He usually talks a lot about his past life. He repeats the same stories again and again. I am not sure whether it is because of dementia or short-term memory impairment. Even I can memorize and tell his stories. Nonetheless, I listen to him patiently without showing any signs of boredom. Then, he likes it and feels satisfied.

One old woman once told me that she kept fighting with her father due to different views on current politics until the day he passed away. I chose the way of peace and reconciliation. I do know well that I have received many good things from my father.

In my father's time, when he grew up, there was not just social class but a hierarchy between slaves and the royal family descending from the Joseon Dynasty. My father was loved and cared for very much as a grandson and male by his grandparents and kin. At that time, women and daughters were almost confined to the kitchen and relegated to filial tasks. I spent many years grumbling that my father was obstinate, self-centered and patriarchal, as he failed to understand me. Though, as I get closer and closer to him, I can be at ease, peaceful with him, and finally, reconcile with him. Though it took quite a long time, it must be the most worthwhile, valuable reconciliation.

Lee Nan-hee studied English in college and theology at Hanshin University.