What my wife's breasts mean to me

By Jason Lim

When I first read about Angelina Jolie’s piece in the New York Times about her double mastectomy, my thoughts flashed immediately to the only breasts that mattered to me: my wife’s. As we all do, I asked myself the obvious “what if” questions. What if the doctors had told my wife that she faced the same odds that Angelina Jolie did ― 87% of risk of breast cancer and 50 percent of ovarian cancer? Would we have done the same?

And the answer was a resounding yes. Especially with an 18-month-old baby who has just found out that he had the joyous ability and power to whisper, speak, scream, and cry, “Mommy,” for hours on end without getting the least bit tired. It’s lovely. Really.

Of course, the decision would be a heart wrenching one. And, as Angelina admonished, I would be right there by my wife’s side, supportive and cuddly, through the whole process. I would walk her through the inevitable emotional roller coaster of the momentous decision and painful experience, giving her all the reassurance that she needs to feel like a whole woman again. Yes, I would be Brad Pitt to her.

Feeling all proud of myself for being so supportive and heroic in this hypothetical situation, I shared all this with my wife. The response I got back wasn’t exactly what I had expected however. After I painstakingly laid out all that Jolie had said in her op-ed and how I would support her through this difficult decision, she asked, “Why is that decision so difficult?”

Hmm.

I had to dig deeper into my sensitive-husband side and explain that her self-image as an attractive woman might take a blow, but I would nevertheless find her beautiful and love her for who she was and not what she looked like…

“The only thing difficult about the decision would be if our health insurance didn’t cover it. Otherwise, I would do it in a second. Between life and an opportunity to be there for my baby on one hand and breasts on the other, I would choose the former in a heartbeat. I don’t need your support for that, except for you to take care of the baby. If anyone is affected by this, it would be our baby since he still breastfeeds.”

At this point, I was desperately trying to channel my inner Brad and failing. Luckily, my inner Yoda came through and whispered in my brain, “For milk. Breasts are.”

After a surprised pause, I had to admit that what Yoda said was true.

Women’s breasts do produce milk for babies to feed on. This much about human biology, I knew. But why did it give me pause?

Because I was thinking about her breast as a man, and she was thinking about her breasts as a mother. In other words, I was looking (figuratively) at her breasts as a sexual object while she was looking at them through a functional lens. And, as I watched our baby boy dangle from her breasts like a hungry Koala bear, I had to admit that her perspective on her own breasts might be more immediately relevant than mine.

At the same time, we can’t totally dismiss the fact that breasts play a central role in how women view themselves, can we?

Well, this becomes bit tricky when we keep asking questions. Why do breasts play such a key role in women’s self-confidence? Is it in our genes? Is that why we produce push-up bras, dresses with plunging neck lines, and breast implants to make breasts more visually appealing? So that women would have a greater sense of self-worth?

If then, why don’t indigenous tribal women in some Amazonian jungles seem to share this need? If it’s in our genes, shouldn’t all women in all societies ― primitive or modern ― engage in similar behavior? After all, we all want to feel better about ourselves.

Ok, if it’s not in our genes, then it must be cultural conditioning that tells us that female breasts are sexually appealing. That a woman with larger, shapelier breasts is more sexually appealing and therefore more desirable. But desirable to whom?

To men.

Do you see how male-centric this is? To a woman, especially mothers, breasts are primarily functional ― it’s needed to feed her baby. To men, breasts are primarily sexual. They exist for our pleasure.

But society’s thoughts about female breasts have been so predominantly shaped by men’s world view of how everything should be that we have all bought into this notion ― especially girls ― that nice looking breasts are critical to having a high self-esteem. Critical enough to cut them open to put bags of silicon in them.

So, when we puff up our chests and steel ourselves to support our women as they make the difficult decision that Jolie did, we shouldn’t forget that we are being largely self-serving: that it’s our sexual objectification of women’s breasts that makes the decision so difficult to begin with when it should really be a no-brainer.

So what do my wife’s breasts mean to me? It means that she’s a wise woman who knows that her self-worth doesn’t come from how other people want her to see herself. It also means that I am a lucky man.

Jason Lim is a Washington, D.C., based expert on innovation, engagement and organizational culture. He has been writing for The Korea Times since 2006. He can be reached at jasonlim@msn.com, facebook/jasonlim2000 and @jasonlim2012.