By Hyon O’Brien
On a recent trip to London, we rounded up the usual suspects of typical tourist activity. Besides taking in a couple of shows and roaming around that very walkable city enjoying the great architecture of bygone days, we took a boat ride on the Thames from Westminster to the Tower.
The captain of the small excursion ship was doing double duty as a guide. We were delighted to find his ability to spice up an otherwise dry factual presentation of the buildings we were passing along the river. As we were going by a lovely old building on the north bank of the Thames, he informed us that it used to be the Public Record Office, a storage place for records of all the births, marriages, and deaths in the United Kingdom, or, as he picturesquely summarized it, ``hatching, matching, and dispatching.”
Somehow this phrase stuck with me since then, and I find myself weighed down in contemplation of the ordinary passage of human life. Perhaps the fact that I am over 60 and no longer a spring chicken has something to do with my current state of mind.
Hatching: None of us has any control over where we are born – in what country, to what family and under what circumstances. We just accept the situation we find ourselves in. This mystery and pure chance of birth is humbling. No one can boast of their own lot. We have to count our blessings of having loving parents, comfortable shelter, education and all the ordinary things that keep us in good standing in the world. How can anyone entertain any contempt for less fortunate people? I could have been that person. The cards I have been dealt are not of my own doing. This can actually motivate me to help out those in need. Would I not want the support and help of others if I were down and out? Another vital reason for helping out.
Matching: All marriages are a risk. Which couple will survive and outlast the vicissitudes of life that are thrown at them is anybody’s guess. That is another mystery. No one can boast the permanency of a match. Finding a life partner that happens to be compatible seems to be a remarkably rare gift. Of course, a successful marriage requires constant care and work, but we notice that even with steady watchfulness, many relationships tumble into ruin. Sometimes what makes or undermines a union is the product of external circumstances. My family and friends predicted the failure of our marriage from the start and yet here we are 41 years later still chugging along toward the finish line. We take very little credit for our lasting relationship. I am very much aware of the mystery of the blessings, deserved or undeserved, which have been bestowed on us. Whenever I am with friends who are still together after decades of rumble and tumble, I readily salute them.
Even now as I write this article, many young, and not so young people, are embarking on a life together with great hopes and expectations. What will save their relationship? Selflessness. One of the archenemies of relationships is self-centeredness. When we focus on receiving, we have nothing but disappointment waiting for us. It seems to work in a paradoxical manner: when I give, I receive. The more frequently we practice this theory, the better off we are. This doesn’t mean that this is an easy attitude to maintain. When we fail, we pick ourselves up, and we keep practicing until this becomes our second nature.
Dispatching: The mother of one of my primary school friends died recently in New York. She was 99 years old, lived a very full life, and yet my friend’s grief is acute and real. She was filled with remorse that she could have done more for her mother. Do you know the term ``bucket list,” the things we’d like to do before we kick the bucket? One of the most meaningful bucket list items can be not having regrets in our relationship with people. Do we say ``I am sorry” and ``thank you” and ``I love you” often enough at the right time? How many more people will be happier if all of us use these three phrases more readily? Why is it so hard to say them? A false sense of pride? Laziness? Insensitivity to others’ feelings? Inability to express ourselves?
Whatever the obstacles that stand in the way, we will do well to get rid of them and cheerfully, sincerely, and with feeling say those most important three sentences. Pick up that phone, write that email or letter now before it is too late. Before we are dispatched from this Earth.
Hyon O'Brien is a former reference librarian now living in the United States. She can be reached at hyonobrien@gmail.com.