Bullying in school

Dear Dr. P,

I am a mother, who has a son in junior-high school.

He is acting a bit strange these days. He doesn’t want to go to school, and stays in his room when he comes home.

I tried talking to him, but he just gets angry and doesn’t say a word.

One day, I happened to see his diary while cleaning his room.

The diary was filled with swear words that I didn’t even know and can’t even bring myself to say or write. I think he is being bullied at school.

How can I ask him about the truth and how can I help him?

A mom

Dear Mom,

You are saying that your son is being bullied at school, but there is not enough proof of this. There are some warning signs but unfortunately parents or adults may have difficulty in knowing whether their children are being bullied or have, themselves, become bullies.

Parents and teachers should be wary of sudden changes in behavior, such as a shift from expressing themselves in the active voice to the passive. If a child is losing money, a bully may be stealing it from him or her. Conversely, a child with unexplained money might be bullying classmates for it. Unexplained injuries such as bruises or scrapes might also be a sign of schoolyard violence.

Sometimes emotionally troubled children often keep journals or diaries when they feel they cannot communicate their pain to anyone, just as your son did. Healthy people talk about their suffering. Those living in fear suffer in silence or project their emotions.

Ultimately, communication is the key. The solution lies in improved communication, beginning with person to person communication, and extending throughout the entire system including children, families and school. Of course it will be helpful to get professional help from the experts.

I hope you will get a good result.

Dr. P

I am at a loss as to how I can help my wife.

She recently gave birth, and seemed very occupied in taking care of the baby for a while, but these days, it looks like she’s fallen into a state of depression.

Her family and friends are all in Korea, and I’m the only person whom she can talk to. I do try my best, but it’s not easy to comfort her.

She talks about leaving me, like it’s not a big deal. When she does that, I am at a loss and get a bit irritated as well. What can I do to comfort her?

Dear sender,

Even in healthy women, there are many cases in which women experience depression or anxiety after giving birth. This is because pregnancy and having a newborn child can induce much stress. In that sense, if a depressed mood continues for more than one month after child birth and it affects taking care of the child then we should consider whether a mother might have postpartum depression.

First off, if your wife is depressed after child birth, you should try to listen and understand the difficulties and emotions of her. Try to put yourself in the role of becoming a new mother. You have to remember that sometimes a mother might feel burdened and responsible because of taking care of the new baby.

Up until this point in her life, she has only known being a daughter who received love and care from her parents and husband. And as soon as she has the baby she needs to live up to her role as a mother who should love and care for her baby. So that’s why it is critical for a husband to try to listen to and understand his wife’s sufferings.

It is helpful for your wife if you can give her unconditional respect and have an open and warm heart. And you should try to listen carefully. Sometimes, it is better to understand and empathize than to attempt persuasion or give advice prematurely.

Empathetic understanding is the most important factor to help people who have emotional problems. I think empathy is like “giving spring weather to people who have been living in frozen soil.” It will be the same for your wife.

I hope this will be helpful for you and your wife.

Dr. Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates personal therapist forums on www.lifeinkorea.com. Please submit questions to him, either in English or Korean, to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678. Those who have their questions selected will be presented with a copy of his book “Finding Yourself within Love” (Korean e-Book).